Today, we have been experimenting with ideas for our animatic and modelling more props for our scene. At this stage we are trying to get more life into the piece so that it works really well at this stage. This is the animatic that currently we feel is working best, more tweak will be made but we would like your feedback.
okay - sorry, I'm just writing stuff as it occurs to me - so, in summary of the first feedback, I reckon a structure like this would bounce people into your story effectively.
ReplyDelete1) Pan into window, track across wall, past famous writer info, continue onto calendar and deadline info (be sure to show audience location of clock for future scenes), transition to cigarette lighting, then to ashtray with stubbs and desk strewn with paper, then show brandy bottle and glass, and glass being refilled, glass is brought down onto 'How do I end this?' sheet of paper (brandy splashes?), cycle through montage of tick-tock shots, which should include quick-fire sequence of him pulling type-writer towards him, inserting paper, cracking his fingers etc. then we see, again, in a cycle of close-up shots, he types something - clatter, clatter, and then, you can pan up from behind the typewriter to show writer in full, but do so in a kind of 'tumble weed' silence, as we see that he's without inspiration, and then we see what he's typed which is 'Who did it?' You really don't need to be as leaden as writing 'Who was the murderer?' because we already know he's a crime writer and 'Who Dunnit?' is short-hand for crime fiction. Your audience will get it.
If you use the introduction of the full view of your writer to also communicate how 'lost' he is creatively (and you can do this by making his room look even bigger than it is perhaps, so that he is exposed), then this shot works harder for you, and following from the opening, it offers a rest, before the quick-fire stuff starts again.
I suggest you put together a revised edit up until the introduction of the writer in full - just get that first 40secs feeling effortless. We'll deal with the rest as we go. Can I suggest too that you actually commit to all the sounds etc. i.e. birdsong outside of building, the striking of the matches, the clink of the bottle etc - and try and use sound more creatively in conjunction with creating tension and building a head of steam. Try and get that set-up sequence as representative as possible, because I think the energy of it will derive from actually committing as much as possible.
Oh - and if I haven't said it already, this version of the animatic is already about 100% more engaging and successful than the previous one, so this process is absolutely working and you should seek to progress with confidence!
Thank you Phil. This is just what we needed to start pushing this thing forward into something more realised and successful. We will get an updated Act 1 on the blog tomorrow :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the quick feedback, but you haven't even seen my take of the beginning yet! :D
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure of showing the calendar straight after the famous crime writer clippings. Too much information in what would seem like we are obviously giving a list of facts to the audience.
I prefer to keep the two were separated.
In my version, I show the outside zooming in, then pan over the clippings, followed by the cigarette lighting, then following down the arm to the ash tray, where the focus changes again the the bottle of whatever. CUT
He glances at the clock, we see the clock, we see him glance back, now looking at the paper, which says whatever, followed by the swoosh of the papers, where the camera then follows them over to the calendar, then the camera fades and goes closer to the deadline scribble. CUT
(Ive removed the panning up to reveal his face shot)
and instead, gone straight to him infront of his desk with the view of the rest of the room behind him. for a complete establishing of his environment.
I'll get it uploaded anyway so you can see properly though.
Yep I agree that more details need to be on the table, like having already used cigarettes and having several on the go. And some screwed up papers.